Thomas Leigh Diary

It's hard

Dark thoughts, hard feelings... it is difficult, very difficult, Evelyn, to feel that way. Eating is suffering, because there is a desperate need for food, for feeling satisfaction... I remember when long time ago I was happy in this matter. More than happy: I experienced ecstatic feelings while eating exactly as much as I wanted, to My heart's content. It was wonderful feeling, Evelyn.

But now... from years I'm far from those circumstances. Being Myself (I mean: living in full harmony with My Inner Voice, My beliefs, My True-Self) led Me to starvation. Me - who loves to eat (!).

It definitely looks like there is a reason. Although I try to better the situation, nothing works. Surprisingly, nothing. I remember this concept of experiencing exactly what You really need (in terms of spiritual growth), but it's hard... it's very hard. When I eat (currently almost nothing), I feel great sadness, despair. I feel despaired and depressed. Because of food, because of nothing works. The fact that it may be necessary in terms of My Path - doesn't help. It doesn't alleviate the pain for any scale. I feel like I'm suffering.

I do what I can in terms of following My excitements, in terms of sharing what I consider worth sharing, important, potentially helpful or useful. But I often feel like a car without gasoline - driving "on its last legs". I often lay down on the bed and sometimes I even feel like thinking itself is hard, exhausting activity.

It's sad, Eve... and it is difficult for Me. Maybe I don't believe it makes sense to share this here, but I want You to know. I seek for the help from the real source which I believe is the only reliable one: Myself (and maybe My Friends) from There.

So maybe You will hear Me... Maybe You will.